Joke of the day.

I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him . . .
You wear pants don't you?

He said to me . . .....
Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said ....
That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said to me. ...
What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him .. .....
Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ......
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. .
They don't have time

He said to me. .
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. ..
We don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. ...
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him .. . .
They already have boyfriends.

He said to me . .
Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . .
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

HOLIDAY TURKEY FOR THE BEGINNER

Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing; imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was
perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.


8 - 15 lb. Turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan
with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds. When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room, it's done.

Remind me not to let you cook the Christmas Turkey

or at least make sure lunch is at her place... BYO emergency sandwiches...

and be ready to dial 000.. you may need the help.

soundman wrote:or at least make sure lunch is at her place... BYO emergency sandwiches...

Her place is my place soundman

The bus stops and 2 old Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.




The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is

galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more!

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more and says:




'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed foreign pigs,' she retorted indignantly.




In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.'




Hey, coola down lady,' said the Italian man.




'Who talka abouta sex?

I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella ' Mississippi '

classic thanks FB... quality.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss's car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At

that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent

entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!

b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other

situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.

Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Playstation 3 - End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

* "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

* "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next fatty!"

I hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Man Laws, Ltd. - YEAH RIGHT!!!!

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said , "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

The teacher fainted...

Good one!!

hope this link works, otherwise go to youtube, search "beer bottle dominoes"....

Warning: If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu - ignore it. It's just spam!

Thats an absolute pissa Maz

why did the blonde tip toe past the medicine cabinet??
because she didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills


How can you tell when a blonde is having a bad day??
her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil

A blonde walks into the hair dresser wearing headphones and ask for a hair cut.
The hair stylist sits her down and begins to cut her hair carefully around the headphones which the blonde refused to remove.
after about ten minutes of frustration the hair stylist gets the sh*ts tryin to cut around the phones and with yank she pulls the headphones of the blondes head at which point the blonde turns blue and drops to the floor and dies.
stunned, the stylist picks up the headphones and listens to hear "BREATH IN,,,,,,,BREATH OUT,,,,,BREATH IN,,,,,"

What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up!!!!!

What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you?
pull the pin and throw it back!!!

What do you call a blond at 1am ?
A box of assorted creams!!!

3 blondes walked into a building,,,,,,,, ya'd think one of them would have seen it.

how do ya get a nun pregnant? F*** her.

fighting for peice is like F****// for virginity.

why do blondes have more fun ????? i dont know but i enjoy them.

what do you call a woman thats always ready, willing and able ?????? A DREAM

what do you call a man that knows what to do, does it right and never fails.... ??? A DREAM

1/
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft
as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room
221.'
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2/
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts
rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?
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3/
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he
came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his old fella into the pickle
slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk
about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He
vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see
at once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to
put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'