Joke of the day.

Bwahahahahaha

A teacher in a NEW YORK BRONX kindergarten class asked what kind of sound a COW makes.

Little julie stood up and went "MOOOOO"

The teacher says "very good julie, Now who knows what kind of sound a PIG makes".

Little Tyrone jumps up and yelled: "FREEZE, MUTHA-f$#@K#R !!!!"

.

Someone just rang me and said there's an idiot running downt he street in high heels and stockings and shit stained underwear!
Where the fuck are you?



For some time many of us have wondered who Jack Shit is? We find ourselves at a loose end when someone says "you dont know jack shit". Well thanks to my efforts you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Shit is the only son of Awe Shit who married Oh Shit, the owners of knee deep in shit inc. In turn Jack Shit married No Shit. The couple had 6 children: Holy Shit, Givea Shit, Fulla Shit, Bull Shit and the twins Deep Shit and Dip Shit.
Deep Shit married Dumb Shit a high school dropout. After 15 years Jack and No Shit got divorced and she married Ted Sherlock and become No Shit Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Shit married Shit-Happens. Bull Shit travelled the world and returned home with an italian bride, Pisa Shit.
So tell me now that you dont know Jack Shit!


Lets test the way you think!
Read This:

thepenisinmymouth

did you read, the pen is in my mouth?
Hell No you didnt cock sucker!

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.


Doctor: "What happened?"


Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a boiled lolly and just suck on it, dont do anything else just suck on the lolly."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I took your advise and just sucked on my lollies like you said!"

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"






Ok girls, dont lynch me, its only a joke,I in NO way advocate domestic violence against women,some of my faverite people are women.

Ok girls, dont lynch me, its only a joke,I in NO way advocate domestic violence against women,some of my faverite people are women.


trying to cover your *rse with disclaimer r we???

The joke of the year:

DAZ

so hows that for a laugh.

mazdragon wrote: trying to cover your *rse with disclaimer r we???

I have to, otherwise the wife would beat the crap outa me

After Monday and Tuesday...
even the calendar says

W T F.

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1.. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to
Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM
IS.

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

THE AUSSIE VERSION OF CREATION

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy
matches, going to the beach.....
And BBQ's......

He created night for going prawning,
sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Second Day, God created water....for surfing, swimming, and BBQ's
on the beach,
and God saw that it was good.


On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide
malt and yeast for beer
and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good..

On the Fourth Day God created animals
and crustaceans,chops, sausages,
steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to go to the footy, enjoy the
beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw
that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to
go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie and bullshit with.

So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God
saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires,
heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the
Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and
God Saw that it was good .. ...

Well.... Almost good.....

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas to clean the house, to bear children, to wash,
to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just
good.....
It was better than that, it was F*^#ING Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!!!!

Four married blokes go fishing. After an hour, the following
conversation took place:

First bloke: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out
fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every
room in the house

Second bloke: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would
build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third bloke: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that i would remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth bloke has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.What's the deal?'

Fourth bloke: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on the arse and said:

'Fishing or Sex, what'll it be woman?' and she said: 'Dont forget to wear sun-block

Breasts or Legs?

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman. She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.

I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.

Would you believe it? I have now been banned from KFC.

Mums in group therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four
young Mothers and their small children.
You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mum, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol..
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the hand and whispered,
'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick
Willy up from school and go home.

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him,
And during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?


'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.


Jane explained to him what sex was.


Tarzan said ?Oh ....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'


Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly..'


She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.


'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'


Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!


Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.


Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed 'What did you do that for?'


Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry
says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies
in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the
top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat.

Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!

Ran into an old mate today and we struck up a conservation "How is life treating you" I ask "Couldn't be better "he says "I am having sex with twins" "that's great I said how do you tell them apart " "oh that's easy Carol has long blond hair and Dennis has a Mustache" Heard that today and thought it was funny

hahaha hehehe, i dont want sex with twins anymore.

The drunk driver
A drunk was speeding and weaving all over the highway when a police car pulled him over.
The policeman walks up to the driver and says "Excuse sir, could I please see your driving license and registration."
The drunk looks at the policeman angrily and says "I wish you guys would get your f@#$ing act together.
Just yesterday you guys take my license away and then today you expect me to show it to you!"


Horror smash.
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

Man of the house

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE
THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you
need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You
will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my
meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going
to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

'Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will
wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe...Then, you will
massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me
and do my hair?

Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied, 'The f**ckin' Funeral director would be my first guess.
_________________________________________________________________________________________

hey Geoff you always know how to make me laugh, thanks mate.

Happy to help out with a laugh for anybody, Daz