Joke of the day.

1. Rumour has it that the floods in Pakistan were started by a suicide plumber

2. The BNP have donated 6,000 crocodiles to the Pakistani flood appeal.

3. The Queen has sent a letter of condolence to the Pakistani president. She said Britain has plenty of spare Pakis if they want some back.

4. I bet little Mohammed isn't having to walk 3 miles fetch water now! I think I'll ask for my £1 a month donation back.

5. What do you call a Pakistani flood survivor......Mustafa Dinghy.

6. There is a new diet sweeping Pakistan. It's called Swim Fast.

7. Charity single just released for the Pakistani flood disaster......Rain drops keep falling on Ahmed

The guys were all at the NATS

No one wanted to share a tent with Randy, because he snored so badly.
They decided the fair thing would be to take turns.

The first guy who slept in Randy's tent came to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. When asked,
"Man, what happened to you?" He replied, "Randy's snoring was so loud
I just sat up and watched him all night."

The same thing happened to the guy who drew Randy's tent the next
night. He said, "Man, that Randy shakes the roof with his snoring. I
couldn't do anything but watch him all night."

The guy in Randy's tent on the third night came to breakfast
bright-eyed. "Good morning!" he said. The other guys couldn't believe
it. "Man, what happened?"

"Well, we got ready for bed. I tucked Randy into
bed, patted him on
the butt, and kissed him good night. Randy sat up all night watching
me."

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:





HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.







On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you....you have no legs!



The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'


She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'


Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'


She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'


The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,


'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little bastard'

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little bastard'

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
Contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "dis is her husband!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
Feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hangin’ meself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I tried dat" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

…………… ………….. ……………….

A tourist asks an Irish dive master: "Why do Scuba divers always
Fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in da boat

A good Catholic Joke

The Pope and Julia Gillard are on the same stage at the Sydney Opera House in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Ms Gillard and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Gillard replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand?

Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded the bitch!

The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:





Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sexual intercourse right now.



Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.



Fact: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex .



Fact: 1 lonely bugger is reading this post..........


You hang in there sunshine....... you never know ????

what about the lonely bugger who sat there typing the stats in in the first place????

The Highway patrol cop got out of his car and approached the vanner he stopped for speeding. 'I've been waiting for someone like you all day,' the cop said.
The vanner replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'


A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truckie and said , 'Got stuck, eh?'
The driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'


An 80-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'
The next day the 80-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.....'
The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'



.

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at
the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her
hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore,
and
takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and
states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against
him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,"
What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
smells nice? The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."

mazdragon wrote:what about the lonely bugger who sat there typing the stats in in the first place????

That'd be me, Maz.

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, I would like to buy some cyanide. '

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.


The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

Where are all the updates gone Ramble???

Its been awhile Agro, heres one thats probably on here already but we'll give it a whirl..


The drunk gets up from his bar stool and heads for the bathroom.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming
from the bathroom.
Another loud scream reverberates through the bar a few moments later .

Gary the bar's owner quickly goes into the bathroom to investigate why
the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there?" he
yells' "You're scaring the hell out of all my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every
time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts!"

Gary opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on
the mop bucket!"

thats a classic

After the state of origin result, what more can I say

The Government has just sent back my last Census form.



In answer to the question,...'Do you have any dependants?',.. I put, 'Asylum
seekers, illegal immigrants, smack heads, dole bludging bastards, 80,000
people in our 103 penal establishments, the occupants of Mt Druitt,Auburn, Punchbowl,woodridge,camberfield,Campbelltown, and half of f@#*ing Indonesia!!



Apparently they said this wasn't an acceptable answer.

MAN OF THE HOUSE


A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House."
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and
announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this
house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will
have the kind of sex that I want!
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I
can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

"Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair..................?"

The wife replied: "The f*#!in' funeral director would be my first guess."..............

I appologise in advance for this one...

WHAT MAKES A HAPPY MAN

What makes a happy man?
His daughter on the cover of Virgin monthly. Son on the cover of sports illustrated. Mistress on the cover of playboy and ..Wife on the cover of "missing persons"


THE SWIMSUIT
Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented? To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.