Joke of the day.

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE

1920's, 30's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.

They took aspirin, ate cheese, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks some of us took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a Ute on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Red Rooster.

Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Fruit Tingles and some fire crackers to blow up frogs and lizards with.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and cubby houses and played in creek beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape or DVD movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross buns at Easter time.......no really!

We were given BB guns and sling shots for our 10th birthdays,

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!

Footy had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

Our teachers used to belt us with big sticks and leather straps and bully's always ruled the playground at school.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

Our parents got married before they had children and didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade'.....

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 70 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

HOW TO

DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

PS -The big type is because your eyes are shot at your age

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving
my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more
than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I
got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the
neighbours daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbours
daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been
having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would
leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has
been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much,
but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly
distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through
to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila



******************************

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and
hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none
of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump
itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,
Walter

Betty, the town gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the town's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several local residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. However, she made a mistake when she recently accused Ted, a local man, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar one afternoon.

Ted, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away without saying a word. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

the Americans have picked the chocolate chip over the fried McCaines
made that up today while l was shooting my nailgun

There was an elderly couple and every day the lady would make her husband dinner and hope that her husband would do the deed after. After years of this and every time was the same....nothing.
Finally she had jack of this and feeling very randy she decides to put viagra in his dinner this night.
As she sat in the living room waiting for her husband she heard this great roar of laughter from the kitchen
"whats so funny?" she said leaping into the room.
Her husband replies histericly in fits of laughter "I just had a mouthful of peas and my damn sausage jumped off and f*#ked the cat!!!!!!!"

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.

The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."

"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."

"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.

About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"

"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."

Their good ones Maz

I was walking up the street the other day, and turned into a side street,on the otherside of the road ,to my horror, I saw a man buck naked and thrusting his hips in all directions. As im walking passed on the other side of the road I yell out "mate are you ok? What are you doing?

He replied "F#@%'N Nothing!!!!"

A fart it is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.
A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud
A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......
A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent , and deadly.
A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......
A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.
From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.
That farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget.......
Good old farts like you!

Financial Planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, when my father will dies I'll inherit $20 million.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

she sounds like my Ex.

is that business card stil available???????????

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake w***y at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!!

I love the Fart one.
It's a pearler and the shower one isn't far behind.

Joke of the year..


Highway Menace,,,

.......

now now Daz, all will be good in the end, good things come to those who wait, Rome wasn't built in a day..... but the Menace, wellllllllllll, maybe a little prayer wouldn't go astray

it'll happen, and when it does, you will be happy be patient!

3 men walking down the street. 2 men walked into a bar and the 3rd man ducked.

2 men walked into a bar... ouch!!!

Fighting for peace is like
Screwing for virginity.

Van wrote:Fighting for peace is like
Screwing for virginity.

Bwarharharhar snort

Virginity, just one prick and its gone

How do you get a Nun pregnant ??? answer later.

screw her.. how else....

highwaymenace wrote:Virginity, just one prick and its gone

.... and even a small prick 'll do