Joke of the day.

No.3 was

hahahaah Love No-3 also.

This frustrated wife buys a pair of crutchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the lounge opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she crosses her legs ……. enough times till her husband says…….
”Are you wearing crutchless knickers?”
“Y-e-s,” she answers with a seductive smile.

“Thank Christ for that…….
I thought the stuffing was coming out of the lounge.”


NOT TO RUDE I HOPE?

Road signs in africa??????

Drunk
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Got home this afternoon and my neighbour was out the front shaking his rug furiously......

I walked over to offer some assistance and stated " Hey Abdul! won't it Start?"

1. When I was born, I was given a choice: A big dick or a good memory...
I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying: 'No hard feelings....'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men:
'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge.
If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small...

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying: 'Don't take your troubles to bed'.
Many men still sleep with their wives!!

Friday Is Not A Good Day In Hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil.
Satan: 'Why so glum?'
Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'
Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'
Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'
Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'
Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'
Satan: 'You a smoker?'
guy: 'You better believe it'
Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie, you're already dead, remember?'
Guy: 'Wow...that's awesome!'
Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.' Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'
Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.'
Guy: 'Cool!'
Satan: 'What about drugs?'
Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean?'
Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.'
Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'
Satan: 'You gay?'
Guy: 'No way.'

Satan: 'Oooo shit, Fridays are gonna be tough for you then.'

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of
first graders using a bowl of lifesavers. The children began to identify the flavors by their colour:

Red.......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're ass-holes

Confucius say,

"Treat your woman like your vacuum cleaner, if she stops sucking, replace the bag"

That's a good one Geoff

AGR071 wrote:
That's a good one Geoff

The wife didnt think so

keep um coming i love them all Geoff.

PHARMACY NOTIFICATION". ...... as of January 2010 viagra will only be available under its new chemical name. Please ask your chemist for " MYCOXAFLOPIN."

Bwahahahahahahaha
That's a pearler Geoff!!

rambletamble wrote:Confucius say,

"Treat your woman like your vacuum cleaner, if she stops sucking, replace the bag"

maybe the "vacuum cleaner" isn't sucking anymore cos the surface is tooooo soft..... you may need to get some of that product with the new chemical name , it may not be the "vacuum cleaner's" fault!

We had this one yet????

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch.

But it was a long time ago, & it was just that one day.

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the
United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)









These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan
and have been given only the following facts about terrorists :

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.




The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Monday

mazdragon wrote:

rambletamble wrote:Confucius say,

"Treat your woman like your vacuum cleaner, if she stops sucking, replace the bag"

maybe the "vacuum cleaner" isn't sucking anymore cos the surface is tooooo soft..... you may need to get some of that product with the new chemical name , it may not be the "vacuum cleaner's" fault!

Maz,,,Ouch..

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!!'



Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'



Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want don't you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'



Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. Black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!



Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. Prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!



Paddy's chat up lines:
1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Every time I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!



Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.....
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'I've put the dog in our garden............ lets see how they like it!'



An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a Jew!'

She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'



Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones!'



Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'

Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles' from London !'

& my faverite

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick twits like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the f**k out of you if I could swim!'

your great for a laugh anytime Geoff. keep up the good work

highwaymenace wrote:your great for a laugh anytime Geoff.

thats what the wife says every time i get my gear off.