Joke of the day.

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.
He hypnotised seven men then dropped the microphone on his foot and yelled

F--- me!!
What happened next will haunt me forever!!

Kevin Rudd goes on a state visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a
heart attack and passes away. The undertaker tells the Australian Diplomats accompanying
him, 'You can have him shipped home for $5,000,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy
Land, for just $100.'

The Australian Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the
undertaker and tell him they want Kevin shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $5,000,000 to ship him home, when
it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100? With the money you
save you could help pay back some of the deficit, help pay for the Emissions Trading and
get a face job for Julia or help the elderly'.

The Australian Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days
later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.'

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A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.




The note read:'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.





After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.



It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back..

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my schooner and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her
mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "What,Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No.. Salty."

Mom fainted.

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen: "What would you like for dinner, Sweetie? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

He said, "Thank you; I'll have chicken."

She said "Fu%k you. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."

Duties of the Wife.

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had
given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from Asia and bragged that he
had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework.
He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came
home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Russia. He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and
the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but
The next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the
dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Australian girl. He boasted that he told her
that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,
laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned
and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the
third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher and hang out a load of washing


God Bless Australian Women............

Billy bob & his wife Sissy may decided that 9 kids was enough and presented at the doctors surgery for "one o them VI-SEC-TOMY things"
"Thats fine" said the Doc, "But just to be certian that you understand what it all about can you tell me why you want a vasectomy procedure"

"Well Doc its this way" replied Billy bob "We was watchin the telly duther night and the man said every 10th kid born in america is mexican, And we dont speak mexican so we cant take that chance"

Teacher asks Little Johnny , "why is your cat at school today John?"
Johnny says crying , "I heard my dad tell my mum "I'm Gunna eat that pussy when kid's go to school".

Here's something to think about.

I recently changed my GP. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 69.) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke cigarettes, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat steaks and barbecued sausages?
'I said, 'Not much, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bike riding?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.




He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit? '

This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her.
At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"
The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"
After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and says, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"
The drunk replies, "Sir! In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks.

The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground time and time again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Woolworth's trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jenny Graig for Men

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19
year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing butReebok running shoes and
a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but
no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better
and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs.
as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing
there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.
__________________

GHOST SEX

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a labrador.

"Fook Dat" says Mick, "Have you seen how many of their owners go
blind?"

Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Goal, 6 Points".
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "Its fart football".
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Goal, tied score".
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha! I'm ahead 12 points to 6".
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Goal, tied score".
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "A point, I lead 13 to 12".
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.
"What the hell was that?" said his wife.
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides!"

A woman called her doctor to complain about her husband's snoring. "Is there anything you can do?" she pleaded.
"Well, there is one operation that will cure your husband, but it's rather expensive: $1,000 plus $450 a month for 36 months."
"My god!" exclaimed the woman, "that's like leasing a sports car!"
"Hmm," t he doctor murmured. "Too obvious, eh?"

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before,
But who were both married to other people,
Found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing the compartment,
They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,....'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,..... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!.......................That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own f****** blanket.'


After a moment of silence, ........................he farted.

The End

A man watching a cricket match on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a couple having sex.


"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife.


"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said, "You already know how to play cricket!"

Answers To Everything

What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."

Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

Had lunch at Macdonalds yesterday and sitting nearby were four young ladies in full black tents. Not a good look.

Today at lunch at Hungry Jacks, I sat near four young women in full very colourful Muslim (Islamic) garb. I must admit, the burqas are definitely better at Hungry Jacks

GOLFING ACCIDENT



Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.


The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.



'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physio-Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd let me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants andput her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and then asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied ….



'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken….!

one for our special kiwi friends !


Two Kiwis, Trevor and Jeanette, are walking down a street in Bondi in Sydney.
Trevor happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair'

Trevor says to his pal, ' Jeanette, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune”.
“Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay?
Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie accint.”

'No worries, smiled Jeanette, I'll keep my mouth shut.' They go in and Trevor says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each.
I'll beck up my truck and...'
The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand, aren't you?'
'Well... Yis,' says a surprised Trevor. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'

The owner says,.............. 'This is a dry cleaners!'.

Excerpted from an article about a bank robbery which appeared in the Irish Times on2 March 1999:

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, a gang of raiders' efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio-tape system, one said, "At least we'll get a bit to eat," The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.

The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read: IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.